I was glad when mike returned to St Robert with Fielding and the boys.  Later I felt mad when I discovered via Roberta that mike, even before interrogating me, had dialed iSALUTE to report his sighting of Wolverine in uniform.   A counterintelligence agent investigated and determined that a soldier named Constantine Law was TDY from Fort Bragg.  His documents were immaculate, though the agent agreed that, based on a photo mike showed him, he could have passed for an identical twin of Wolverine.  There was no surprise about the quality of the paperwork, as Wolverine insisted on meticulous work from his blackmailed victims.  He got it too.

But that’s a different story.  The day after he left, I sneaked out of the flat to catch a flight to NYC.  Any cat with his salt knows how to play the stowaway game.  In a few hours in NYC.  I got to Trump Towers dressed to the nines. I wore in my midnight-blue silk suit and was wearing a midnight blue Borsalino homburg.  After wending my way to the Trump’s penthouse, I gave the door a kick.  As a butler opened the door, in I went. 

Butlers and other riffraff are among the obstacles faced by an industrious cat seeking entry into a richlings home.  This butler tried to throw me out.  Faced with this emergency, I began to squall with all my might.  Soon a faint patter of feet came my way.  Voila.  To check the butler’s assault I slashed him and presented myself to Melania’s gaze.  She smiled and dismissed the brutal butler.  Good riddance to the brute!

Now you must keep in mind that a cat’s seduction of a human woman is a study in indirection.  Most of the so-called great seducers—Casanova, Don Juan, Cyrano, Wilt Chamberlain,  Warren Beatty—would have done well to have made themselves understudies to a cat like me, the Love Machine.  You must learn how to work a woman.  Never make your move too early.  You must wait.  Good women will start to make a fuss over you.  Move away from your target.  You must move away.  A woman disrespects and easy conquest.  She’ll tend to follow you about the room or hold her hand out for you to sniff as if you’re a dog, an infuriating gesture.  Don’t fall for it.  Preserve your dignity.  Keep a distance.  Finding a chair or davenport to hide under is perfect. 

The odds are your women will start talking in motherese.  Let her.  Time is now your friend.  Make her wait.  In fact, the more smashing her looks, the longer you should make her wait.  Beautiful women like Melania expect men to come at them faster than a hungry cowboy to the chuckwagon.  Confound their expectation.  You must feed your woman’s insecurities. 

Once you have the woman approaching complete exasperation, make your move.  I recommend you start by rubbing your head on her outstretched hand.   Pretend to be wary but allow her to pick you up after a decent interval of pets to your head.   You own her now. You can now also learn something that always astonishes amateurs.  No matter a woman’s politics, women are suckers for kitty faces.  You have a purr.  Use it!  Your woman may be a radical feminist with Gloria Steinem posters marring her walls.  She may have a history of filing sexual harassment complaints against incompetent men.  If you know your game, it never matters.  If Donald, to take a pathetic example, had been home, Melania would have banished him if he began to paw her chest or sniff her lap.  I, though, simply began to make biscuits on her chest.  She was oozing her delight in seconds, as she had fantasies of having won me over.  I sniffed about her lap. She murmured what a sweet boy I was and asked if I would like something to eat.  And why not?  I was soon munching on tartar of tuna whipped up for me by her cook at Melania’s command.

After my lunch, I let her enjoy more lap time, then we retired to her comfy bed for a nap.  She stripped without shame to sleep with me. Once again, match point for the Love Machine. 

Once she fell asleep, I hopped down, read any correspondence lying about, and checked her computer.  Oh, the things I was learning.  Some of it was tricky as it was in Slovenian, a language I barely knew.   

What I most wanted to learn about was Trump’s Russian connection.   To me, I viewed her as an unlikely chum of Putin.  It’s not as if the Yugoslavia she was born in had an affection for Russia.   Besides, I couldn’t believe she’d think a womanizer like her hubby DT could resist honeypot traps the Russian CBP (SVR) would set for him.  Throughout his life, DT has let his little head do the thinking for the big head.    Anyway, getting to know lonely Melania was going to be worth my time.  How I loved her cook.

It’s too bad that my visits put my remaining good eye at risk.  Somebody once described the Trump penthouse as what you’d get if you gave Louis XIV’s architects too much crack before setting them to work.  I concur. 

https://www.travelandleisure.com/culture-design/architecture-design/trump-tower-donald-trump-penthouse

To spare my eyes, I wore sunglasses there as often as possible.  Journalists must steel themselves to the necessities of their work.