As a journalist, sometimes events in the world overtake my ordinary projects.  The recent alleged death of Queen Elizabeth is a case in point.  As my readers know, I have visited the Queen countless times at Windsor Castle where I took pleasure in perusing her collection of Leonardo drawings.  I was never willing to visit her in Balmoral.  Balmoral is in Scotland, a dangerous bit of the north with dubious habits.  What race of men wears kilts?  It is a garment for exhibitionists.  Thank the gods, you don’t have to travel far south to escape kilts.

In fact, if you just travel as far south as Nottingham to Sherwood Forest, you are in Men-in-Tights country.  You know a man in tights is not trying to expose himself. He is a mere thief.

Hence my teeming brain tells me that the Queen fell victim to murder most foul.  Do you believe she died of “old age”? Heavens, she was only 96.  Even her hard-living husband Lord Mountingbadly lasted to 99.  Friends in the know tell me he would have lived longer if not for the Queen’s insatiable appetites.  I also have it from reliable sources that Lord Mountingbadly died prematurely from the severe beatings he received from her whenever he was mounting badly.   Everybody close to the royal family knew this. 

Nonetheless, the Queen was a delightful woman.  Never did I ask for anything to eat without her fetching it for me.  She shared her food with me that she would pull from a Tupperware in the royal fridge.

The hoax of the Queen’s death from age is plainly false.  There is no precedent for it.  In all my years, not a single English queen has died of old age.  What kind of induction is it to conclude the Queen died of old age even though no English queen in your lifetime has? 

So how did she die?  Do I really need to explain it?  Consider.  Everybody knows that the ancient loafer Prince Charles coveted her job.  He was the man who would be Queen.  Camilla had to tutor him for hours to say he would be King at an ascension ceremony.  And now, with the Queen’s body barely cold, he is “King.”

I believe it is easy to guess who murdered the Queen.  Less than a week ago, Liz Truss went to visit the Queen under the Pretext of replacing the adorable blonde Boris Johnson as Prime Minister. No sooner than Truss left the Queen, the Queen falls sick and dies.  If she did die, what better explains it than poisoning?  The power-mad Truss poisoned her to advance her career as PM. You can be the idler Charles had Camilla bring Truss into the conspiracy as the Poisoner-in-Chief. The Queen didn’t have a chance against these fiends. 

Now we have a diminished England with a murdering PM doing the bidding of the Man-who-would-be-Queen whilst my favourite blonde Mr Johnson sits on the sidelines reading Thucydides and Aeschylus. 

There is no reasonable explanation for what we have mentioned unless you accept the hoax, the fake news that the Queen died “naturally.”  And don’t think I just made this all up.  I spoke to our erstwhile President about it.  He assures me it is dead right.  Donald has even arranged for me to talk to Sidney Powell to learn more about what Paedophile Polar Bears are doing to the world.  The northern menace is not just coming to America.  They are an immense power in Scotland.   Beware!  God save the real Queen, Queen Elizabeth. 

So, as I track this story, I was distracted from telling you about times past.  More on that next time. And beware of Truss!  Save Boris!  He has the locks of Galahad. 

But do not give up hope. Consider the totality of the evidence. You are entitled to believe the Queen is not more dead than Elvis is.