For the sake of my sanity, I must stop watching the news. Lucky and I went with Danny and Saul on the ferry to Zanzibar to “wait.”  Lucky checked us in to the Baraza Resort and Spa.  

Even though she made a fuss about the many pools, I was unmoved.  All my life I’ve had a terror of bathing.  How many people have drowned in recorded history?  I have no exact number but assure you it is a big, big number.  Lucky looked good in a bikini.  She knew it.  If you dropped by, she was either swimming or standing around 95% naked waiting for the next water adventure.  

Lucky continued to secure me a steady supply of fresh seafood, all of it excellent.  So with these amenities, why was I watching the news?

CNN came on.  To my horror, a correspondent was speaking to Lord Caligula.  He had returned from a recent trip to Moscow.  As usual, he claimed to have no idea what Putin made of recent accusations of sales of weapons of mass destruction to sundry countries around the world.  When asked if Munitions Galore had a role in these sales, as news stories in reputable papers like the London Times, the Guardian, Le Monde, and the Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung were suggesting, his Lordship denied it.  Without losing a beat, he replied, “Nobody loves peace more than we at Munitions Galore.  We earn big money during peace.  We prevent war.  Alas, the world is a hard place.  We at Munitions Galore know the wisdom of the Latin adage, Si vis pacem, para bellum.  If you went to a Comprehensive School, I’m sorry.  For these pitiful ones, let them know the Latin means, If you want peace, prepare for war.”

The interviewer. brushing aside his Lordship’s move to discuss nothing of import, pressed to know what purpose his visit to Moscow had.  I knew Lord Caligula would never admit he talked to Putin.  Instead, he spoke of how much he loved the Russian people.  According to his Lordship, he might have more good friends in Russia, especially in Moscow, than he had in England, a country that the crybabies were taking over.

The interviewer stayed on him but got no new news, though his Lordship sniffed that Constance should already have her George Cross.  He conjectured that if she had done what she did in Reading in Russia, she would already have got a Hero of the Russian Federation Medal.  Every bit my mind was endangered as his Lordship walked off the stage.  He was wearing a perfectly tailored, silk Brioni suit.  He had a Coke hat draped over his walking stick.  Then I saw her.

He was approaching Constance.  She was in a mini.  Scarlet fishnet stockings adorned her chubby legs.  Tucked into the mini was a T-shirt that had the words “Fight for Peace” on it.  Below the slogan, I made out a silkscreen image of near-naked Constance using her Colt Python to dispatch a cartoonish Chinese chap who was laden with weapons, but begging for his life.  He had a bullet wound in his head that gushed blood.  I think it was Constance’s erect nipples below the shirt that were de trop for me.  I literally fainted.

When Lucky discovered me on the floor, I got tender caresses to revive me.  I needed them, though she was naked as a newborn when she found me.  Perhaps to make me feel better, she said Wolverine had talked to Dayan and Levi.  He had a CV-22 lined up to get him into Somalia.  Wolverine also promised a warrior version of Mr Clean would also be on the CV-22.  He had a supply of petrol stashed as well in “a suitable place.”  Better still, NGA had promised the requested photos of the al Shabaab encampment.  

With the good news in hand, she advised me to watch less CNN.  If you must watch the news, watch Xinhua.  The Chinese People insist that the news be boring propaganda.  You’d never see those two criminals overstimulating you until you fell out on the People’s News.  Standards of decency would have kept Constance out of sight.  

I asked if we would leave Zanzibar anytime soon.  Lucky kissed me.  “Relax.  We leave soon, darling, we leave soon.  Be prepared to head out under cover of darkness.  And don’t worry, sweetie, I’ll put on clothes to travel.  I don’t want to put ideas in the heads of those two Israeli leches.  I have standards”   Standards?  That was new news for me.