Let me assure you that Carl, when not destroying companies, is a wonderful, saintly man.  At Princeton, he studied philosophy.  He even wrote his senior thesis on Hume, one of mike’s favourite philosophers.  Carol is proof that there are oceans of money to be made in philosophy provided you have the right one.  

He got me to National.  He even got me to the White House where Melania was paying one of her rare visits to her putative husband. Once I got in, I can assure you she spent the night with me.   Donald prefers to sit up watching Hannity and other Fox trash spouting nonsense on his presidency whilst Donald feeds on Big Macs and fries.  The stench of hamburger gases is think in the air whenever Don’s about.

So, it was I who snuggled between Melania’s succulent Slovenian breasts before heading on to Saint Louis.  And I did make it back the next day.  As usual, I had to stay clear of Bart and Fielding to escape my mandatory beatings.  

My time home allowed me to work on articles blaming the Jews, Chinese, Krauts, and Frogs for the death of terrorists in Somalia.  I had strict instructions not to blame any Ivans.  I was to insist the bodies of dead Russians on-site were a team of bad apples, loathsome malcontents in Puti’s loving eyes.  I knowk, I know.  What I won’t I do for more Krugerrand. 

Wolverine and Peregrine had wasted no time writing iOperas that lambasted anybody impugning the motives of Putin and the splendid people of Russia.  In one they borrowed lavishly from the Who’s ancient rock opera, Tommy.  Putin was cast as that deaf, dumb, and blind guy who fought for peace for all.  

I had a huge advantage when it came to writing puff pieces about Russia.  During the time I’ve spent in Russia, I have stayed in luxury Hotels and eaten in Michelin Restaurants.  For example, I liked sitting in the White Rabbit with Lucky.  I adored the joint’s decor (loved all the bunny pictures), and Lucky ordered for me, being sure that the chef attended to my kitty tastes. 

Now let me tell you the truth.  If your visits to a country consist in stays at its 5-star hotels and meals at its finest restaurants, you may get a distorted view of the place.  The clearly problematic, knuckle-dragging citizens are easier to spot on mean streets than are megathiefs whiling away hours in luxury hotels, posh bars, and Michelin star restaurants contemplating their next crime. 

I brooded about what Lucky did to him.  What if I needed a favour?  To make up with him, I wrote a piece blaming Holland’s woes on its covert rule by paedophilic polar bears from the north.  Lax Dutch immigration policies had left the country at the mercy of assorted northern marauders.  Had the Dutch learnt nothing from their Viking problem during the Dark Ages? 

Now the polar bears were flooding the country with protitution, trans, decline to state, and non-binaries, as well as drugs whilst working to close the country to tobacconists, Christians, and soldiers with short-hair.  A red-blooded American man can scarcely walk into a bar without having the paedophilic polar bears unleashing a domme on him.  It’s a scandal.  Is it true?  Like I should care.  

Within a day, Tucker called me.  He praised my insight, since not everybody was wise to what the depraved polar bears were doing in and to Holland.  He then asked me what I knew about a story bubbling out of NATO HQ from an unknown source that the Russians were framed by the Jews and Emperor Xi for the Ice-10 devastation in Somalia.  Unlike me, Tucker was too slow to detect the lying maw of Wolverine.

So, I  sent him copy of my coming story on what Our Putin was doing to save the African people.  Everybody knew that Russians did all they could to rescue Africans from the sneaky plots and wicked machinations of the Imperialisst in Washington, Jerusalem and Beijing.  

Tucker praised me effusively, telling me, “I hadn’t known half of this shit.”  I, I’d add, didn’t know any quantity of it.   That evening, Tucker Snarlson’s one hour of content in just 3 hours of show bombarded his audience with my fantastic conjectures.

Of course, Tucker interlaced his own crazy speculations into the mix.  He repeated my lie that the Germans had committed the atrocity in Lithuania, but he added that they were aided by a cabal of paedophilic polar bears whose MO was to operate out of Dutch Rijsttafel joints. No doubt the bears molested a fresh boy or girl after every course.   And what a sinister strategy for hiding that is.  How many people would link polar bears to Indonesia?  It’s a deep, deep cover indeed.  

In a flash, the not-quite-Nazi FvD party endorsed Snarlson’s “scoop” as authentic news, calling for investigations, since there was “something rotten in A-dam.”  By the next evening, Hannity was complaining that nobody was paying enough attention to the paedophilia link and all Putin had done over the years to combat it.  Fair observers, according to Hannity, knew that the size of the average Chinaman proved the Chinese lust for little people and children.  China is a country of paedophiles and midget rapers. 

Must Putin endure slanders on his kind, Christlike nature just because the Chinese had thrown in with the Jews to smear Russians? Again, any fair-minded person knew the Jews were working to destabilize democracy in Russia. Putin = Love.

Hannity did express sorrow for having to reveal this sad truth about the Jews, especially since they had done so much for the world running a pest control operation against the Palestinian and any Arabs unwilling to face facts about whom God had bequeathed lands in the Near East.  He added it was a sign of the times that the Jews hadn’t taught the Iranians some much needed lessons. Would King David have been so gentle?

If I understood the oblique insinuations in Hannity’s  and Snarlson’s show that night, it was that those paedophile polar bears that Bart and Fielding detest who had gained undue influence in Jerusalem.  Israel would do nothing to stop rampant child molestation in Iran and China because the polar bears had gained an upperhand in the Knesset.   They were working out plans to sell those kids into white slavery. 

By the very next day, when President Trump got asked about the recent allegations, he said, “It’s hard to quarrel with facts.”  He then started to rant on how the CIA, NGA, and the entire Intelligence apparatus of the US was spreading  Hence it is indeed a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.